Marvel and DC officially give up, declare retirement

(Editor’s Note: This article might be slightly satirical. Just slightly.)

The comic book world was shaken to its core today when DC and Marvel held a press conference to officially Give Up.

“It’s time to come clean,” said Dan DiDio of DC. “We’ve been circling the drain for years now, rebooting and rebooting. So, for 2016, we thought we’d try something different and reboot the series. To tease that, I tweeted an image against a blue curtain that simply said ‘Rebirth’. I thought it would be a fun way to tease a restart to a beloved story. And that’s when, well… you tell it better, Tom.”

“Thank you,” said Tom Brevoort of Marvel. “Well, see, the thing is… Marvel had recently realized that we’re fresh out of ideas. I mean, we restarted our stories in 2014 and then restarted our stories with Secret Wars in 2015. So we thought we’d shake things up and try restarting one of our stories. So what we did was team up with ComicBook.com to post an image against a red curtain that simply said ‘Dead No More’. We ran with it. And then an intern, I think his name was Griff, pointed out the DC thing. I called Dan and we just had a long talk about how we were both doing the same thing, we met for drinks and, six shots in, we kinda just had to admit that it’s over.”

DiDio nodded. “I mean, let’s be honest here; when was the last time DC had a wholly new character? We got massive press a little bit ago just for putting Batgirl in a slightly more realistic costume. And that took sixteen marketing executives a month to come up with! We’re spent… we’re just spent.”

It was at this point that Brevoort chimed in. “We’ve been getting a lot of praise for how much we’ve switched up our lineup but, at the end of the day, it’s the same costumes. The same powers. Everyone just swapped clothes like it was some high school dare. I mean, we stopped using the nickname ‘House of Ideas’ years ago. You think that was an accident!?”

He went on. “Not only did we both get the same idea to make a big deal by bringing back the same literally dead ideas, but we both had it at the same time in the same way. We… we…” Didio picked up the thought. “We can’t even be unoriginal in an original, meaningful way.” Tom gestured towards Dan in agreement.

“So we’re cashing out,” said Dan. “Getting up from the table. Trading in. I think I’m going to maybe move to South America. Join a conservationist effort. See what I can do about the rainforests.”

Tom nodded. “Yeah, I’ve been hearing about ways we can help fix impoverished families here in America. I’m going to take my Harley Quinn money and look into helping out there.”

They shook hands and exchanged a muttered “Good game,” before getting up to leave. As they did, this reporter asked them what the masses would do for comics in the meantime.

Dan laughed. “I dunno… Image? IDW? BOOM!? Dark Horse Comics?” to which Tom responded. “There are, like, a crazy amount of publishers out there that release literally dozens of original ideas every year.”

“Good ones!” perked up DiDio. “The Wicked + The Divine, Lumberjanes, Locke and Key, hell, Firefly got the story continuation you’ve all been asking for and it’s just sitting there! Gathering dust…”

“Ya know,” added Brevoort. “It is bonkers just how much people don’t support those. Do you ever wonder how we weren’t driven out sooner?”

“Like, all the time, Tommy. All the time. Here, let’s grab a beer. First round’s on me.”

Ben Worley

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