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Destiny: Crimson Days will usher in Guardian heartbreak

Using the amazing talents, skills, technologies and superpowers of the combined Ace of Geeks staff, we have been able to see the future. One of the many things we’ve seen, aside from Destiny 2 (spoiler alert: Peter Dinklage and Nolan North fight to the death!), is the conversations in anticipation of Destiny’s upcoming Crimson Days, a Valentine’s Day-themed event featuring a special 2-v-2 Crucible mode.

In the interest of benefitting humanity, we have used our prescience powers for good and transcribed the following conversation had between many Guardians — sooooo many Guardians — across the ‘verse.

Arrow-bro: Dude, I can’t wait for Crimson Days. New quests and bounties!
Striker-bro: Yeah, bro. Sounds pretty good. I’ve been beefing up my sub-classes for it.
Arrow-bro: Me too. With Shadestep and my 1000-Yard Stare, I’ve been owning in the Crucible. Broke so many hearts in Iron Banner.
Striker-bro: Ugh, that was the worst. I hate Rift.
Arrow-bro: Me too. All I could do was snipe people getting the spark. Never could move in.
Striker-bro: I didn’t have that problem. Shoulder charge for DAYS.
Arrow-bro: That was awesome to watch. You went all Miley Cyrus wrecking ball on ’em! But I’m thinkin’ when we run in Crimson Days, you should run Sunbreaker.
Striker-bro: Wait, you want me to —
Arrow-bro: You’re an awesome Hammer-bro, Striker-bro. I’m just thinking that with it being two-on-two, a long-range attack will be more useful.
Striker-bro: I guess, but —
crimsongrieveArrow-bro: See, there’s a Broken Heart buff that triggers when one on the team goes down. The remaining Guardian gets boosts to agility and recovery, until they revive the other. And that reminds me: Can you run your Crest of Alpha Lupi?
Striker-bro:
Arrow-bro: See, only one of us needs a fast-revive perk, and that will let me use my Graviton Forfeit so I can have Shadestep AND Keen Scout. I’ll see ’em comin’, you soften ’em up, we’ll whomp ’em all at once. You and me are gonna slay, bro. Straight up SLAY. I can’t wait!
Striker-bro:
Arrow-bro: We ARE going to slay, right? You and me?
Striker-bro: See, I was looking at the event, and it doesn’t say we have to run with just ONE other Guardian…
Arrow-bro: What the hell are you saying?
Striker-bro: Yo. Bro. All I’m saying is that Bungie hasn’t said anything about having to pick just one other partner. They said it was like getting in the spirit of Valentine’s Day. I’ve been beefing up my Sun-bro Warlock, and I’m gonna run with another Sun-bro, too.
Arrow-bro: I… I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
Striker-bro: Mellow, bro. Getting an overreaction vibe from you right now.
crimsongoodiesArrow-bro: Bungie said Crimson Days is like Valentine’s Day! The day of love! Of relationships! They want doubles to become legend together, “forming bonds of teamwork and friendship that death only strengthens!” Look at that photo up there! That’s practically us, dude!
Striker-bro: That’s faux, bro. How would Bungie get a shot of —
Arrow-bro: We’ve been running together since Vanilla Destiny! How could you think about running Crimson Days with anyone else?
Striker-bro: Whoa, bro. Bungie said it was like Valentine’s Day, and from what I remember in school, everyone had to give everyone else a Valentine.
Arrow-bro: That’s completely different!
crimsonblingStriker-bro: I don’t think so, bro. This is meant to be fun, right? Bungie does everything it can to mash new players together in Destiny, anyway. I mean, c’mon, look at the candy hearts they are advertising. A Ghost shell that makes your Ghost look like chocolate? C’mon. There’s already a shitload of red shaders. What’s next, bunny ears for Easter? And don’t get me started on the “Hotline Bling” emote. This is all fun, not for reals.
Arrow-bro: But dude. We’ve done everything together. We pushed Atheon off the ledge. We punched Skolas in the tenders, after fighting him for 12 hours. We shot Oryx in his critoris. We went to the Lighthouse together…
Striker-bro: Yeah, the Lighthouse. From running Trials of Osiris. WITH A THIRD PERSON.
Arrow-bro: He knew he was a third wheel and that we were carrying him!
Striker-bro: No, bro. Look, of COURSE you and me will roll through Crimson Days. Of course we’ll slay. I just think we’ll also be able to slay with other Guardians, too. No bigs, here. You don’t go on patrol with me, I don’t run daily heroics with you. We’re chill.
Arrow-bro: But, think about what you’re saying. Crimson Days are intended for pairs. If you and I share Crimson Connections with other Guardians, there’s a possibility that, you… and me… will have to… you know…
Striker-bro: Fight each other?
Arrow-bro: … yes.
Striker-bro: That will be an interesting day.
Arrow-bro receives the Broken Heart buff.

Joe Hadsall
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Writer, reporter, magician, geek. Joe Hadsall is the features editor for The Joplin Globe, where he is the king of geeks in southwest Missouri, and is loving how the popularity of geek culture has led to more people understanding his jokes. He tweets a lot about Destiny, mobile devices, the New Orleans Saints and more at @JoeHadsall.

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